6.21.2004

If you only knew

If you could watch the movie
the movie that is my life
you would understand
by sitting there, watching
you would see what i honestly feel about you
my fears of telling you the truth gone
because i would have no choice
as you watched
and listened
experiencing my real feelings
God, i just wish you could see
the movie that is really me
maybe then would i feel alright
finally relieved of this built up emotion
but until then that truth stays shut
away from you and trapped alone in my mind
how i wish, i wish you could see
the movie that is really me

6.17.2004

Dream Theory

So this was finally it. 19 and some odd months on earth and this is how it finally ends. If the doctors would have caught the HIV earlier, I may have had a couple more years...if that. Of course, all of that is irrelevant now. I don't focus on what could have happen, or what I should have done. No, instead I use my time to be with those that I love. My family, my dogs, my good friends, everybody that means something to me. When my mortality finally set in, after the doctors gave me the news, the world became so simple. All the petty problems from before, they didnt matter. Anger about Melissa and Adam, about what i dont have in life, all of it disappeared and left me with only a peace of mind and acceptance. Everything happens for a reason, and there is a purpose for my dying. Somebody will change because of it, someone will learn something about themselves. Maybe they'll start to see the world as I do now, so very simple, yet perfect. In these last few days I begin to think of what I am going to do, and realize I can't plan anything, because you never know...you never know just what will happen. I must take each day for what it is, and accept everything that happens within those passing days.

As my health deteriorates my mind still stays strong. I still love as much as before, I still see the beauty in everything. And I realize that my time left is extremely limited. Which is why I have to let everybody know how i feel. i have never told my dad i love him, but i do very much. i love my mom and my sister. i love breenie and chons and angie as well. and while most see love as something that only familys or significant others feel, i see it as something else. love is when youre willing to give your all for someone, when you can honestly say, i would give up my life, just so you could live. that's why i love my friends. Jeff, Rid, Led, Hux, Greg Dowell, and even Keith. and when people talk of love, it is never one specific kind of love. love has many ranges. one which exceeds beyond most others is my love for melissa and stephanie. the details of the relationships with both are extrodinarily different, but when you are faced with death, you realize that doesnt matter. all that matters is that i loved them both with all my heart, and i still do, and will continue to love them in the next life.
.....
I used to run a situation through my head...what if we were all at a high school assembly, and we were taken hostage. Then they brought someone to the middle of the gym. They would point a gun at her head and say "if no one volunteers to give their life, i am going to shoot this person." Would I stand up and die for them? Even if i didnt know them? Most people would answer this question with a yes, but if it ever came down to it, i dont think anyone would. I would like to think i would, but...would i?
.....
As I lay dying, draped in the hospital bedsheets, the heart monitor's constant beeping filling the room...I look at my family. I can see into their eyes that they really, honestly cared for me. I know they loved me and I know how hard this is for them. But it's when I look at Breenie laying next to me on the bed, when i see her giving me that Breenie smile with her tongue hanging out and her tail wagging, that is when i finally break down. Tears of love and joy and all the happiness from my life come flowing from my eyes. It is as if years of emotion have been put into every teardrop. My family looks so sad. I slowly pet Breenie's head and with the last of my energy I tell them, "I love you guys, you were the best part of my life..." And with that my body finally succumbs to a disease that has taken millions. Through the sobbing cries of my family you can hear the faint, constant tone of the heart monitor...

...a baby, 3 months old, wakes up crying from a nightmare he just had. His parents come running into the room to soothe him, comfort him. While his nightmare in reality lasted only a few minutes, the dream, to him, had seemed like it had lasted 19 years and some odd months...

6.12.2004

Alone


It begins with one doubt. A single thought that is created in the back part of my mind. Small at first, but like bacteria it multiplies through my brain. Depressing thought after saddening image dominoe each other until I break. I break down once again, fallen into my own misery.

Some people will read this and say, "oh, just another woe is me, depressing, life is no good" story. They will pass it off and ask me, why i cant just be happy with what i have. These people would never understand. They dont know what it is like to feel hopeless despair, a feeling of nothingness. If only i could let you feel it, just for a second, then you would understand.

So why am I so down? Sometimes it feels like everything is a reason why. But tonite I felt something more specific. In high school, i sacrificed having a strong group of friends for one girl. I chose to give practically all my life and time to her. Leaving no time for any sort of friends, or at least real friends. This hit me tonite when I am out, and see different groups of people, all who know each other and can just get together, chill, drink some beers, and be happy with it. I really don't have people i can do that with. I fully understand that it is my fault for choosing a girl over friends in my past, but i never could have imagined the consequences being this deep and everlasting.

i guess you could then say, not having a strong group of friends is the reason why i am so sad, but then, why was i always depressed at college when i did have that group of friends? countless nights i would walk back alone from a party, lock my door and just cry, sob, and weep uncontrollably for no specific reason. the worse nights came when the girl, you know what, fuck it, when melissa came down to fuck adam. those ate away at my soul, tore at my heart. i have never felt so horrible, so hopeless, and so alone. if making the mistake of giving up my friends for melissa was not bad enough, life had to throw another punch my way by having her date the guy down the floor. And during those nights it took the few ounces of self control i had left in my body to convince myself to stay alive.

but ill just continue doing what i have been...which is almost nothing. yearning to be a part of something but not willing to try. wanting to give my all for something but too scared to find out what that is. always being the friend, not the boyfriend. the one who gets walked over, stepped on, and used, but i dont care...or at least i tell myself that. someday...someday ill find out what im here for. ill find the girl, the job, the meaning, the purpose. someday i will find them, but not today...not today.

6.09.2004

Writers Block...

or better yet...Writers SWAT...

6.04.2004

Johnny Depp and Harry Potter
...for those who have seen HP and the Prisoner of Azkaban...

This is gonna be short. All i really want to say is that Johnny Depp would have been a kick ASS Sirius Black instead of the douche who plays him. I like Gary Oldman and all, but shit Johnny Depp is a pimp...Sirius Black is a pimp...I am the only one that sees this?

Oh, and give Hermione a couple of years and she's gonna be DAMN hot.