6.12.2004

Alone


It begins with one doubt. A single thought that is created in the back part of my mind. Small at first, but like bacteria it multiplies through my brain. Depressing thought after saddening image dominoe each other until I break. I break down once again, fallen into my own misery.

Some people will read this and say, "oh, just another woe is me, depressing, life is no good" story. They will pass it off and ask me, why i cant just be happy with what i have. These people would never understand. They dont know what it is like to feel hopeless despair, a feeling of nothingness. If only i could let you feel it, just for a second, then you would understand.

So why am I so down? Sometimes it feels like everything is a reason why. But tonite I felt something more specific. In high school, i sacrificed having a strong group of friends for one girl. I chose to give practically all my life and time to her. Leaving no time for any sort of friends, or at least real friends. This hit me tonite when I am out, and see different groups of people, all who know each other and can just get together, chill, drink some beers, and be happy with it. I really don't have people i can do that with. I fully understand that it is my fault for choosing a girl over friends in my past, but i never could have imagined the consequences being this deep and everlasting.

i guess you could then say, not having a strong group of friends is the reason why i am so sad, but then, why was i always depressed at college when i did have that group of friends? countless nights i would walk back alone from a party, lock my door and just cry, sob, and weep uncontrollably for no specific reason. the worse nights came when the girl, you know what, fuck it, when melissa came down to fuck adam. those ate away at my soul, tore at my heart. i have never felt so horrible, so hopeless, and so alone. if making the mistake of giving up my friends for melissa was not bad enough, life had to throw another punch my way by having her date the guy down the floor. And during those nights it took the few ounces of self control i had left in my body to convince myself to stay alive.

but ill just continue doing what i have been...which is almost nothing. yearning to be a part of something but not willing to try. wanting to give my all for something but too scared to find out what that is. always being the friend, not the boyfriend. the one who gets walked over, stepped on, and used, but i dont care...or at least i tell myself that. someday...someday ill find out what im here for. ill find the girl, the job, the meaning, the purpose. someday i will find them, but not today...not today.

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