SWAT shears

2006-04-20T14:37:00.000-05:00

Figured I'd bring it back....its never to early to believe!

Eamus Catuli

An entire year boils down to this one day.
This one game. One pitch. One swing.
Crisp air breaks through the jerseys and sweatshirts
as the scent of even colder beer rises above the lower deck.
The shadows of the players stretch into the fire scorched ivy,
long dead from an enduring summer of day games and double headers.
With every 60 foot, 6 inch throw, 40,000 people inch a little closer to the edge of their seats, gripping the arm rests until the dark green paint starts to chip.

Swung on belted, deep toward left, that’s a no doubter!

With the hop and the trot, a sensation flows through the air,
Past the box seats, through the reserved and into the upper deck.
Everyone has the realization, but not a single soul dares to say it.

Simultaneously the crowd rises to their feet,
acknowledging a year's worth of stretching singles into doubles and crashing against the ivy to make that 3rd out.
A buzz emanates from each and every seat, from the dugout to the rooftops.
No balls, 1 strike. Man on first. No one attempts to breathe.
Two fingers held in the air by many, emphasizing that is all that we need.
All that the year has come down to. Just 2...more...outs.

Double play ball! Second base one! Over to first!
Look at that mob scene on the turf of Wrigley Field!

This is finally it...the culmination of all of our hopes, all of our doubts, and all of our dreams,
As we all look over the right field bleachers onto the blue and white letters that read:

AC000000

2006-02-21T23:26:00.000-06:00

envision the parrallel of what you are. discover the need. a house burns along the corner while everyone watches the screams. jumping flames grab toward the scarred sky only to fall short once again. terrified, alone it slowly crumbles. crushing the land that once held it so high. discover the life. an ocean churns awaiting another. a newborn son slowly falls into the dark sea. drowning in his own cries he never saw the world. a mother weeps. discover the pain. cold, dry on the cracked floor she stares into the darkness. blood slowly crosses her lips as she licks away the memory. blurred vision and deep grey eyes forget the scars. clenching her fists again as he comes back to strike once more. bright light fills the void of her life, pain is all she has. discover the choice. as fate slowly walked behind him, he stared past the brown table. shrieks of encouragment plagued his mind from below. floorboards creaked as decisions grew closer. carefully he arched he cold, dead eyes towards the cieling. denial was not an option.

discover.

2004-12-17T20:46:00.000-06:00

99 Problems (the Santa Claus Remix)

he's got the wrap patrol on the gift patrol
foes that wanna make sure his workshop's closed
Jew people that say he's 'cookies, milk, snow'
he's from the pole, stupid, what type of facts are those
if you grew up with elves in your bedroom shelves
you'd a hit the sleigh before you was reachin twelve
so screw kwanzaa, it can kiss his whole red nose
if you don't like his beard than you can just eat snow
got beef with miss claus if he dont come home
she don't deliver gifts, and he don't give a shit, ho!
all these malls try to use his face
cause, little kids will give em more cash this way...phonies
i dont know what you take him as
or understand the deer that ol' kringle has
he's from, coal to candy kiddies, i aint dumb

i got 99 problems
but the Claus aint one
hit me!

2004-12-11T23:48:00.000-06:00

ESPN/USA Today Friend Poll
This time there's an order, bitches.

1. Rick - After spending half a year no where near the list, Rick makes the giant leap into the number one spot. Sharing the right side of a softball diamond means something. He likes Linkin Park. Jeff didn't like Linkin Park. Yeah Jeff, thats not Staind.

1a. Gregory 'jesus' Dowell - Just like the Cubs pitching staff, there is no ace. As stated before, Greg will never bullshit when talking with him. Or talking about other people. Either way, no shit is a good thing.

3. Dave "Old Man" Ridarelli - Staying solid at the number three position. Dave does not let down with the hilariousness nor the dirty old man-ness.

4. Keith - Keith is keith. However keith also gets most of my nerd/dork/computer humor. IRC was our starting ground.

5. Jeff - The former number one takes a mighty fall in the polls due to lack of Linkin Park appreciation. We also no longer share the feeling of desperately needing to get back with our ex girlfriends. Plus Chad Hutchinson took over his spot in the triangle of power. Chad has a much better arm.

6. Steph - Yes, an ex-girlfriend. Yes, insert shears ex-girlfriend joke here. But seriously, she'll tell me anything and i'll tell her anything without having to worry about it. I can't do that with the tall, fat chick i made out with randomly now can i.

7. Lindsey Parke - And yet another ex-girlfriend. But she's fun and it's a great time to piss her off by acting black around her and insulting her use of her parent's credit card to buy expensive clothing.

8. Jon Jon - The whole proximity thing is partially to blame for this drop, as i havent seen jonny too much. but when we do get schwasted it is always a very grooda time.

9. Mike Kimak - The end all when it comes to Cubs knowledge...aside from Steve Stone/Pat Hughes. It's nice to talk to someone that actually knows who david kelton and felix pie are.

10. ZK - This year's roomate turned out a little better than last years, cause he didnt have sex in my bed...at least not that i know of. Plus, theres some sort of bond that grows between people when they get robbed by black dudes in big coats.

Others receiving votes:
Erica, Josh Barnett, Don P, Brian Malone, Led, Richkey, Natalie, Hannah, Kelly

Dropped from rankings:
Melissa, Juan, Led, Jill, Hannah, Malone, Ganz/Galer/Reid

2004-12-07T23:59:00.000-06:00

Loosen up

I could sit here and bitch about what shit is going bad in my life and woe is me and how life isn't fair, but i'm not. i'm just gonna say if you feel so bad for yourself imagine being stuck in a wheelchair, or unable to move your arms, or not being able to eat for a day. You are blessed beyond your wildest imaginations, so stop wishing of what could be, bitching about how everything sucks, and strap up, grow a set, and fuckin do something about it.

2004-11-17T01:49:00.000-06:00

Out

Champaign sucks. Its dead trees and brown grass litter this earth.
And it’s cold. Not that good cold that you’d get in Colorado,
but that skin piercing, shoulder hunching pain that’s brought on by the wind.
The only thing worse than the cold is having to wait for the twenty-two in it.
Everyone staring at the dead bark, bouncing up and down, and back and forth
in their feeble attempts to stay warm.

But wait, there is worse…the bus ride.
True the bus itself is warm, but the people are colder than the weather outside.
They are frozen, as in heartless, because most people they see on the bus,
they don’t care about them, yet they act like they’re so glad to see them.
And they will always go out of their way to ask that one damn question:
Hey Jim, you go out this weekend?
Out? Where is out? I’d like to find it. Is it somewhere on Green street?
Why can’t people just say what the question really implies?

Hey Jim, did you and your shady, gelled haired, jeans with sandals wearing, asshole friends get piss drunk Saturday night before you went to Kam’s then CO’s then Clybourne’s but not Tonic, because only townies go there, and then find some whale that had somehow escaped from Seaworld and waddled her way up to Chambana, and take her and her flippers back to your super cool frat house, and then proceed to mount her like a horse but couldn’t tell the difference if she really was a horse or not, and then wake up the next morning realizing if it weren’t for birth control you’d have your own pod of whales around you for the rest of your God given life, and Jim how the hell are you not miserable with your existence and ashamed of everything that you stand for, you vain, self-indulgent prick? Here, let me pop that collar for you.

Of course that’s never said, and the bus ride continues.
Taking a right on Daniel, then another right on fourth, a left on Armory…
all the way until Gregory Hall where I step out from one cold and into another.
Headed to one more bland lecture in a rundown, paint chipped lecture hall…
or maybe I’ll skip class today and go search the Champaign streets for ‘out.’

2004-11-04T01:23:00.000-06:00

All Trucker Hats Go to Hell

I had this friend named Fredrico. You can call him Freddy. Or Rico. I’ll just call him Fred. Fred loved his cheerios. Honey Nut, Frosted, Apple Cinnamon, you name it.
Fred died. He was watching Dave Chapelle at his apartment while munching on some Team Cheerios, laughed, choked, and suffocated to death. Quite sad. Unless you didn’t know Fred, then it’s not that sad. Now after much deliberation, Fred’s in heaven.

Man, what is going on with all the clouds? I thought that was just a cliché…
What’s the matter Fred? White, puffy clouds on a blue sky aren’t your idea of the afterlife?
God? Wow, it’s actually God. This is amaz…wait a second, why’d you have to kill me with a cheerio, I mean seriously, a God damn cheerio?
Why should I send a cheerio to hell?
Umm, never mind, so what’s the deal with this place?
Walk with me Fred.

And so God and Fred walked over hills of happy clouds, with birds chirping and angels flying around with harps. It was like a hallmark card, and Fred was not fond of hallmark. As they continued their walk, they came upon a glorious three story mansion, with a sign that read “If you’re Human, you owe me your life…and a beer.”

Hey God, who lives in this place?
That…would be my son. He’s in the rebellious phase of his eternal life.

Then with an aura and mystique only paralleled by Hefner himself, Jesus stepped onto the golden second floor balcony. Marilyn Monroe on his left arm, Audrey Hepburn on his right, while platinum, diamond encrusted crosses dangled from his neck, bouncing on his white tank top. Jesus, was a baller.

Oh shit, Jesus is a pimp! Hey JC, you my homeboy, right?
Not another one…look kid, I had nothing to do with those damn trucker hats.
Hold up, you can’t say damn, you’re holy.
No, seriously, they’re damned. All trucker hats go to hell. And anyone who wears them on earth ends up cleaning my pool.
Yeah, speaking of that, aren’t earthly possessions supposed to mean nothing in Heaven?
If it ain’t on earth, it ain’t earthly playa. Check ya later kid, I gotta hit up the hot tub with Miss Monroe.

Thus, God and Fred continued their walk. In the distance the clouds broke, and they stepped into an ivory kitchen which twinkled and shined in ways Mr. Clean could only dream of.

Sorry about my son, he’s lost his fucking mind recently.
You did not…no way. You can’t say that. I know you can’t say that.
Who said I can’t?
Well, uh, people did I guess…good point. So God, we got eternity, what now?
We eat cheerios.
You’re an asshole.
I know.

2004-10-30T22:36:00.000-05:00

Grandpa

My grandpa on my mom's side passed away this week. His funeral was saturday. When i heard, i was pretty shocked, because i didn't think his health was in that bad of shape even though he was 81.

It doesn't hit you until you see them. I was fine, and expecting the funeral to go alright, as well as a funeral could. But when I saw him laying there in the casket, I just broke down. My whole family did. I spent time with my grandpa, but i never knew him really well, so i figured i'd be alright, but it was so hard to see him like that.

My other grandpa, who i was closer with, died a few years ago, but he was cremated and we never saw the body. So this was the first time i've seen an immediate family member not being alive. I think it may have been my first actual realization of mortality.

What made it worse was talking to my family about his past and seeing the earlier pictures of him. I always knew he was in the army in WWII, but never knew what specificially. He went to college for two years, got bad grades, and then decided to enlist in the Army Air Corps, which is the modern day Air Force. And what made me even more sad was that's exactly what im doing with my life. Bad grades, enlist in air force. Then seeing all his younger pictures, he bared a strong resemblance towards me.

Since he was former military, they also draped his coffin with a flag, then folded it, and played taps while they lowered the coffin. I think part of the reason this made me cry so much, and made me so upset was because it was like looking into my future. Right now, I'm doing what he did in 1943. That's how I'm going to be buried, God willing i make it to the air force.

As always, once someone dies you realize what you should have done. I should have talked with him more about his service, about his college experience, because we would have been able to relate a great amount. However, I can't change that. But I was given his Army Coat, with his wings and ranking on it. I know this is going to be something that will motivate me through my time in the air force and through my life...knowing that he did it, he was in my position, and he made it through.

2004-10-13T01:35:00.000-05:00

Five Reasons why my dog is better than your broke ass.

1. She is fluffy and soft to the touch...you are all stuble and feel like sandpaper because you have been too lazy to shave the past 3 days.

2. She has a tail and wags it like none other...where's your tail at bitch?

3. I don't see you waiting for me at my door whenever I come home.

4. You won't let me attach a leash to your neck, walk you around the neighborhood, and then act like it's the best part of your day.

5. You're ugly.

2004-09-30T22:37:00.000-05:00

Cross into the Blue...

Well, I've been talking to an Air Force recruiter the past few weeks, and it is seeming more and more likely that I will be enlisting. It is one of those thing where i feel if I dont do this, im going to look back later on in life and be upset i never did it.

The jobs i am considering are air battle management, intel, and secruity forces. For air battle management, i would be an aircrew memeber on an AWACS(airborne warning and control system) plane and coordinate the battle. If i chose intel, the basic idea would be either going over imagery and analyzing it, or deciding what kind of bomb is required to blow up a certain building, that sort of thing. And finally for security forces, i would join that wanting to eventually work with the bomb sniffing dogs, which happen to be german shephards, which happen to be the dog i want to get eventually.

Either way, I'm not signed up yet, but as i said before, it is a high possibility. Until then, I'll just keep getting credit hours so i can enter as a higher pay grade.

2004-09-20T01:42:00.000-05:00

2004-09-15T21:05:00.000-05:00

KING WELLEMEYER

40

Bow down to his relief pitching greatness.

2004-08-28T01:39:00.000-05:00

Summer Roads

Was it forced? Or,
Did I try too hard.
Maybe I just fell for your eyes.
That way when you smile,
That shadow which forms upon your cheek.
Hair as soft as an angel's
Partially lying on my face.
Love does not have reason,
Logic, nor why. You took my soul
Within an hour, driving 45 down that road.
Questions of life, past and future,
with that hair blowing in your eyes.
Those moments when you could turn your head,
Catch my eyes and part your lips once more.
Love does not have reason,
For if it did, I would know.
But instead I'm trapped in memories,
Of a time when you took my heart.

2004-08-20T22:27:00.000-05:00

Back to Shampoo-Banana

"No thanks...we're straight."

I guess you could call it my "good bye semester" as i will be leaving for boulder in the spring. It shouldnt be too bad of a semester as long as i get a desk under my bed with internet...is that asking too much? Actually yes it is. And there should be some classic poetry written by the end of this calendar year as i am rocking 3 poetry classes. This is gonna be a grand ol' time. I also guaranteed myself straight A's this semester...as well as a call up to single A Lansing...i wonder which one is more likely. Either way this year promises lots of catch, softball, and skinny freshman girls who will ignore me and think im creepy...HOLLLLLER!

2004-08-07T01:48:00.000-05:00

Theater

Damn seats are so uncomfortable, he thought. If only he could have gotten an aisle seat. Oh well, the movie was only a little over two hours so his knees shouldnt be that bad. He wondered who that man must be waiting for. Nobody comes to movies alone these days.
"Hold on, this is important...Hey dude, whats up?"
Once again, the inconsiderate cell phone guy makes his appearance. However, he noticies that the man by himself is calling on his cell phone again. Now to most people this would be normal, probably just calling whoever he was meeting, but to him it was out of the ordinary. He started thinking of what it could be...who could he be calling...for what reason...who was it?
"Oh i dont know...probably turkey on whole wheat."
Paranoia strikes deep in those with worrisome hearts, so he did his best just to forget about it...but he told himself if that man gets out of his seat that he would follow him to wherever he goes.
"Marty YOURE A JOKER!"
The guy looks fidgety...who gets this nervous before a movie? Possibly myself, he thought, always expecting the worse, always thinking everyone was a crook, criminal, or terrorist. Just chill, he told himself, dont worry, youre here to see a good movie, so sit back and enjoy it...plus, who would want to do anything to a midnight showing of Collateral? Exactly...nobody would, it doesnt make any sense...

The man got up. That was it, he had to follow him. This wasnt normal behavior for an average moviegoer. He waited until the man was all the way down the stairs, then got up in pursuit. This "man" was in jeans, a dark grey shirt, with a black windbreaker over it. He was balding and looked like he was in his late 30s. American. Definately your everyday United States citizen...not the common perception of al qaeda...middle eastern, bearded, and middle 20s. This man walks towards the main entrance area of the theater, nods, and then shakes the hand of someone that just walked in. Well, he thinks, I guess this was just my worrisome nature taking its toll on me. He starts walking back towards theater 7 where his movie is. The whole time pondering how he could be so damn paranoid. He keeps telling himself, those guys aren't terrorists, they are just normal movie going people and i have to learn to stop being so frickin...

The doors opened for him. The force of 10 sticks of C-4 explosives planted strategically throughout the theater rip through seats and human parts and then explode past the door. He is blown 30 feet behind him, into the glass counter displaying an assortment of chocolates and candys. Blind, deaf, and bleeding all over his body, he forces himself to his feet. All that he can see is smoke pouring out of the 2 sets of double doors from theater 7. It travels across the cieling like a snake slithering into the dark. Darkness spreading into all he can see. But then the darkness is pierced by the screams. People shouting, crying, and choking for breath. As the dark continues to overcome him, he sees hands digging at the ground where the doors used to be. Hands the struggle to pull the weight of a torso that no longer has a lower half. Those woman's hands continue to claw their way into the main hallway just enough so he could see her face...a young ladys face coated in the charcoal of smoke, the dampness of blood, and devout of any life. Yet, as he passed out from the glass wounds in his back, he could see the simple and plain emotion of wonderment on her face...seeming to ask God why he would ever allow something so terrible...so horrific to ever happen on his earth.

2004-08-02T00:58:00.000-05:00

Bye bye U of I/Kentucky/Nomah!

the last few days all in one simple blog

Boulder
I'll begin by saying I was accepted as a transfer student to the University of Colorado at Boulder on Thursday and plan on attending this fall. This is a really good thing for me, i love colorado, i love mountains...but i dont love pot, but im sure thatll grow on me. It does suck that im leaving all the friends i made at u of i though, because they were the first "real" group of friends ive ever had in my life. Anyway, it should be a great time and i cant wait to get out there.

Kentucky
Then there was this weekend. On friday i picked up two college friends, jeff and keith, and made the 300 mile drive down to louisville to visit greg dowell. Overall, it was a very enjoyable weekend and apparently i had the "shears smile" a lot without being sloppy drunk. But, here is the sportscenter version of the trip.

Shears wins Kentucky trip challenge by swatting keith and jeff...
thats right, i was on fire. The highlights of my awesomeness were started by the chess match i challenged jeff to. the first words out of his mouth when i asked him were, "are you sure you want play me in chess?" implying that he is a smarter person than i am and that i have no chess abilities whatsoever. To sum it up, jeff got served badly as i checkmated him all the way back to indiana.
Shears outeats keith matizzle for the first time ever...
we had chicken for the first dinner and greg's mom made a shit ton of it, so halfway through i challenge keith to see who can eat more. I won 6-3.
Shears calls sosa homerun distance on the money...
We were watching NOMAH's!!!!!(i will get to him later) debut today and after sosa jacked his homerun we all guessed how far. I said 396 happy feet. It went 396 very happy feet.

So the weekend was a great time, a lot of "nomahs!!!" and "sss ssss(the websling sound spidermans web makes when he shoots it), and a good way to spend probably the last time in a while im going to see those friends.

NOMAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
Do i need to say more? I thought my dad was joking when he said we got him. My friends didnt believe me when i told them. And all we gave up was A-Gone, beltran, and brendan harris who would never have played anyway. Jim Hendry is king of GMs. I will go more in depth into the Cubs and their new life in a blog later this week. But until then...Nomah!!!

2004-07-25T00:25:00.000-05:00

Lucidity

"You ever have that feeling where you're not sure if you're awake or still dreaming? "

Lucid Dreaming Guide

so i wrote this whole shizzle on lucid dreams and how i had one and want to consistently be able to have them now, but blogspot darshed the whole thing. Basically, i want to be able to escape every day life in these dreams, i want to be able to be anything in them, to control that reality...to fly. fuckin blogspot...i spent a good 10 minutes writing that...what a wasted opportunity cost...shit, i think micro is getting to me.

anyway, that guide is about 15 or so pages long, and you may think it's bogus, but do i look like i give a shit what you think? ill go have a lucid dream and swat you in it...thats right, cant do much about that now, can ya?

2004-07-21T22:57:00.000-05:00

Dishonesty

I really dont understand why people lie all the time. First, id like to state that i lie as well, but i do my very best not to. As i was saying, why do it? When you hear "honesty is the best policy"...they aint lying. I just dont get why people chose to tell people, especially those close to them, things that arent true. Are they just scared of what the truth holds? Is that the reason? I find the worst case is when someone lies to you, about something fairly important...not some petty crap...and then later on you realize they bullshitted you and youve caught them in their bullshit and theyre stinking like ass because of it. Only problem is that you cant come out and call their lies because theyll either cover it up with more of the same or call you a distrusting asshole for trying to figure out they werent telling you the truth.

Either way, if you every think im bullshitting you, please call me out on it. Just say, "shears, youre shitting me, dont be an ass and tell me the truth." And i guess all i can ask is that you tell me how it is, straight up, no matter what u think my reaction will be.

And on a side note...if i ever offend you personally with something i write, i apologize. i write what i feel and i get in the moment with it and i just let it flow. Problem is once that flow is done i usually dont go back and edit it...oh well, i write what i see as the truth in my eyes and if you get hurt in the process then i apologize once more.

***

Todd Wellemeyer is the greatest relief pitcher in Cubs history and i plan on dropping 160 for his jersey and suggest you do the same(I'm talking to you Jeffe).

2004-07-18T17:14:00.000-05:00

Believe

Livid is the mind
That doesnt believe
For they shall be
Distraught in life
Lost without purpose
Lacking the guidance
Which is needed
To survive in this
Despairity known
As the world
Do not be afraid
Of fate
Fear He who
Controls your fate
For in your disbelief
Will come His
Almighty vengeance
And He will make
You realize His
True power,
His awesome strength
And woe is you
Who stands in His way

2004-07-14T00:01:00.000-05:00

Social Prerogative

All i can write about is what i feel. My own opinions and nobody else's. Which brings me to today's topic of sociality. No, not socialism and that shit, but being social as in friendly as in "going out" etc etc. Im not sure about most people, but i really dislike large parties or gatherings. I always seem to just kinda corner myself away and think of how much im not liking it and how i really want to leave. I'd much rather enjoy a night of either being with one good friend or a group of friends...say around 5 people. Just sitting around, talking, maybe drinking, maybe going out and doing something, but the main reason is just to be with those people. Back to the party topics...i mean, you go there and make apathetic conversations with people who half of the time you dont like or really dont care about. At least thats me, so i fail to see the point of going. Why hang out with someone who you dont give two shits about. Either way, im just writing out my thoughts, so if youre now thinking im an antisocial little bitch who needs to learn how to be more friendly...then you need to realize this is just how i am. i like smaller groups of close friends, like at college drinking in Greg Dowells room with jeff, keith, greg, and sometimes colin...that was good shit. but its when you get a bunch of other schmucks in there that it started to suck, because those people sucked. Im not saying im better than them, they just sucked.

Anyways id also like to take the time to thank those of you who are my good friends. The people i can just hang out with and i know it'll be a good time no matter what we are doing. I'd just like to say to all those good friends....holler.

2004-07-10T02:20:00.001-05:00

Acknowledgement of Mortality.

"On a long enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero."

Are you afraid of dying? Honestly, are you? I know I'm not. There's no point in it. Whatever doesnt kill me just postpones the inevitable. We are all gonna bite it someday so why worry about it now? Especially since it is out of our control. Drunk drivers, falling airplanes, toasters in the bathtub...death looms over us in every aspect of life. But we can't just sit here and crumple into a little ball and be scared of death taking us. how do i know that i dont die in my sleep tonite? I dont. Then how would i feel about my final day...i would feel terrible. I did jack shit, i didnt live today, i didnt feel. I wasted one of the extremely limited days of my life, again. Everybody always asks questions like, "what would you say to this person if you knew you were going to die tomorrow..." etc etc, but the thing is, WE DONT KNOW. Thats why i need to start acting like i have zero time left. For those of you who dont understand this, this isnt supposed to be depressing. Its supposed to be enlightening for me. I mean, i really need to start doing something with my life now before its too late. Cliche i know, but honestly, i need to do something. i sit here and assume that tomorrow is guaranteed. but in fact tomorrow is guaranteed to nobody. i really dont know where im going with this...except tell your friends thank you, tell the people you love that you love them, and come to realization of your impending doom. once we all do that then we can finally get on with life. we can finally live.

2004-07-08T01:14:00.001-05:00

Comfort

disappear into the night with me
come home and share my bed
breath easily my dear and rest your gorgeous head
loosen your back, let me massage out your stress
breath deeply now because we should rest
hold my hand, press it tight against your heart
never let go, this is all we have
listen to our hearts beat
one along with the other
pull your hair back girl, ill rest my lips on your neck
never could i be so calm with anyone else
i wish we could lay like this forever
but until forever comes ill be here with you
just keep holding my hand
hold it tight against your chest
its all we got now
please baby, just rest

2004-07-08T01:14:00.000-05:00

Pure as Skies

once i look into her eyes
it all goes away
replaced by her beautiful face
charming smile, perfect skin
It makes me feel that no matter how short this is
I will forever be thankful
Just to hold this moment with you

2004-06-21T00:41:00.000-05:00

If you only knew

If you could watch the movie
the movie that is my life
you would understand
by sitting there, watching
you would see what i honestly feel about you
my fears of telling you the truth gone
because i would have no choice
as you watched
and listened
experiencing my real feelings
God, i just wish you could see
the movie that is really me
maybe then would i feel alright
finally relieved of this built up emotion
but until then that truth stays shut
away from you and trapped alone in my mind
how i wish, i wish you could see
the movie that is really me

2004-06-17T00:49:00.000-05:00

Dream Theory

So this was finally it. 19 and some odd months on earth and this is how it finally ends. If the doctors would have caught the HIV earlier, I may have had a couple more years...if that. Of course, all of that is irrelevant now. I don't focus on what could have happen, or what I should have done. No, instead I use my time to be with those that I love. My family, my dogs, my good friends, everybody that means something to me. When my mortality finally set in, after the doctors gave me the news, the world became so simple. All the petty problems from before, they didnt matter. Anger about Melissa and Adam, about what i dont have in life, all of it disappeared and left me with only a peace of mind and acceptance. Everything happens for a reason, and there is a purpose for my dying. Somebody will change because of it, someone will learn something about themselves. Maybe they'll start to see the world as I do now, so very simple, yet perfect. In these last few days I begin to think of what I am going to do, and realize I can't plan anything, because you never know...you never know just what will happen. I must take each day for what it is, and accept everything that happens within those passing days.

As my health deteriorates my mind still stays strong. I still love as much as before, I still see the beauty in everything. And I realize that my time left is extremely limited. Which is why I have to let everybody know how i feel. i have never told my dad i love him, but i do very much. i love my mom and my sister. i love breenie and chons and angie as well. and while most see love as something that only familys or significant others feel, i see it as something else. love is when youre willing to give your all for someone, when you can honestly say, i would give up my life, just so you could live. that's why i love my friends. Jeff, Rid, Led, Hux, Greg Dowell, and even Keith. and when people talk of love, it is never one specific kind of love. love has many ranges. one which exceeds beyond most others is my love for melissa and stephanie. the details of the relationships with both are extrodinarily different, but when you are faced with death, you realize that doesnt matter. all that matters is that i loved them both with all my heart, and i still do, and will continue to love them in the next life.
.....
I used to run a situation through my head...what if we were all at a high school assembly, and we were taken hostage. Then they brought someone to the middle of the gym. They would point a gun at her head and say "if no one volunteers to give their life, i am going to shoot this person." Would I stand up and die for them? Even if i didnt know them? Most people would answer this question with a yes, but if it ever came down to it, i dont think anyone would. I would like to think i would, but...would i?
.....
As I lay dying, draped in the hospital bedsheets, the heart monitor's constant beeping filling the room...I look at my family. I can see into their eyes that they really, honestly cared for me. I know they loved me and I know how hard this is for them. But it's when I look at Breenie laying next to me on the bed, when i see her giving me that Breenie smile with her tongue hanging out and her tail wagging, that is when i finally break down. Tears of love and joy and all the happiness from my life come flowing from my eyes. It is as if years of emotion have been put into every teardrop. My family looks so sad. I slowly pet Breenie's head and with the last of my energy I tell them, "I love you guys, you were the best part of my life..." And with that my body finally succumbs to a disease that has taken millions. Through the sobbing cries of my family you can hear the faint, constant tone of the heart monitor...

...a baby, 3 months old, wakes up crying from a nightmare he just had. His parents come running into the room to soothe him, comfort him. While his nightmare in reality lasted only a few minutes, the dream, to him, had seemed like it had lasted 19 years and some odd months...

2004-06-12T00:44:00.000-05:00

Alone

It begins with one doubt. A single thought that is created in the back part of my mind. Small at first, but like bacteria it multiplies through my brain. Depressing thought after saddening image dominoe each other until I break. I break down once again, fallen into my own misery.

Some people will read this and say, "oh, just another woe is me, depressing, life is no good" story. They will pass it off and ask me, why i cant just be happy with what i have. These people would never understand. They dont know what it is like to feel hopeless despair, a feeling of nothingness. If only i could let you feel it, just for a second, then you would understand.

So why am I so down? Sometimes it feels like everything is a reason why. But tonite I felt something more specific. In high school, i sacrificed having a strong group of friends for one girl. I chose to give practically all my life and time to her. Leaving no time for any sort of friends, or at least real friends. This hit me tonite when I am out, and see different groups of people, all who know each other and can just get together, chill, drink some beers, and be happy with it. I really don't have people i can do that with. I fully understand that it is my fault for choosing a girl over friends in my past, but i never could have imagined the consequences being this deep and everlasting.

i guess you could then say, not having a strong group of friends is the reason why i am so sad, but then, why was i always depressed at college when i did have that group of friends? countless nights i would walk back alone from a party, lock my door and just cry, sob, and weep uncontrollably for no specific reason. the worse nights came when the girl, you know what, fuck it, when melissa came down to fuck adam. those ate away at my soul, tore at my heart. i have never felt so horrible, so hopeless, and so alone. if making the mistake of giving up my friends for melissa was not bad enough, life had to throw another punch my way by having her date the guy down the floor. And during those nights it took the few ounces of self control i had left in my body to convince myself to stay alive.

but ill just continue doing what i have been...which is almost nothing. yearning to be a part of something but not willing to try. wanting to give my all for something but too scared to find out what that is. always being the friend, not the boyfriend. the one who gets walked over, stepped on, and used, but i dont care...or at least i tell myself that. someday...someday ill find out what im here for. ill find the girl, the job, the meaning, the purpose. someday i will find them, but not today...not today.

2004-06-09T00:42:00.000-05:00

Writers Block...

or better yet...Writers SWAT...

2004-06-04T19:15:00.000-05:00

Johnny Depp and Harry Potter
...for those who have seen HP and the Prisoner of Azkaban...

This is gonna be short. All i really want to say is that Johnny Depp would have been a kick ASS Sirius Black instead of the douche who plays him. I like Gary Oldman and all, but shit Johnny Depp is a pimp...Sirius Black is a pimp...I am the only one that sees this?

Oh, and give Hermione a couple of years and she's gonna be DAMN hot.

2004-05-30T23:07:00.000-05:00

Illinois is Broke

The state. The school. Palatine. All of it. Broke as hell. When i was in wisconsin this weekend, i realized something while looking at the forest coated hills draped with clouds. Illinois is flatter than your 4th grade sister. Now this is obvious to anyone, but the point is, this flatness shows that our state has no fucking character. It's like that boring ass person we all know, that we never want to talk to cause he sucks. All I'm asking for are some hills, a mountain, even a desert to keep us interested, but no. Fuck you Illinois, you suck.

To go along with Illinois' brokeness, Palatine also needs to locate an ATM. Or at least someone needs to throw a huge ass party where all of us "not in with it" fuckers can come and get hammered. Or we can just throw killer party's at barret's house, either way.

Few other things that dont involve Illinois or its sucking.
I'm going to be a millionaire by 26 maybe 27 at the latest. Entrepreneurship is where it's at. Look for me and Led on the cover of Fortune, bitches.
I also applied for transfer to Boulder. I'm really, really hoping that getting away from everything and going to Colorado will revive my motivation and my GPA. If not, there's mountains and snowboarding so no matter what it'll be better than U of I ten fold. That is, IF they accept my transfer application. Fucking GPA.

2004-05-18T01:56:00.000-05:00

JEFF
Actually, just a reiteration of the last blog

JEFF GOT SERVED. I feel proud that i can create so much controversy over one little blog, but i also think everyone needs to chill just a little bit. Sit back, drink a bud, turn on the cubs, pet the dog, go kick something...whatever it is thats cools you off.

Now, that being said, I still want to be a Ranger. I know it's hard as fuck to get there. I know that once i get there i WILL be sent to war. No doubt about that. I know i will probably get shot at some point. I know that bullet could kill me. But i could also get plowed over by a DUI walking my dog at night. That's shit you cant control or give a fuck about. You just have to do what your heart guides you to, you have to do what you believe you were put here to do.

And I also dont give 2 shits at WHY im going to whatever war i would be sent to. If i wanted to choose which war is right or wrong id go into politics. You dont join the Army to voice your opinions about the war, you go to fight it, no matter when, where, or against who.

Either way, this is my plan right now. And as of right now I am going to do it. So if and when i do go through with this, when i get deployed to iraq/afghanistan/korea wherever, when i end up getting shot somewhere during that, and when i may end up dying, when you hear about it from someone, that i died fighting for our country, for the guys next to me, remember that you knew it was what i wanted to do, what i believed in, and lived for.

2004-05-15T01:50:00.000-05:00

PFC Brian Shears

Private First Class. Lowest of the low for the army. But i really do not care. What I want to do is join the army, get into ranger school, and be just like Black Hawk Down...not the movie aspect...but the real aspect. I want to die for the man next to me. I want to cover my corner, taking aim at the enemy, taking fire, and protecting the men around me. I want to give my life for that, for them. I want to get shot in the back to save someone else's life. I want to sacrifice all that has been given to me for someone else. And i honestly think the Army is how i can do this. So, if I am not at Illinois next semester, you will know why.

Thats it.

Brian

2004-05-12T00:15:00.000-05:00

Time for some input...

I'd like to start off by saying this Wednesday starting at around 9 pm, until this sunday will all be a drunken blur to me. Can someone holler at that?

Second, here is what I need from you, the person reading this right now. I need you to answer 2 questions for me. Just click on the comments button and type it in, you dont have to put a name, or you can put someone else's name, whatever. BUT, the key to whatever you put is that you are COMPLETELY honest. No bullshit. I'm not asking for bullshit, im asking for the truth.

Question 1: Cliche, yes, but i dont care. What do you think I am best at? Can be anything.

Question 2: What career can you see me doing? Honestly, what can you picture me as, a teacher, a cop, a janitor, a porn star, whatever.

Now I'm not fishing for compliments here, so dont bullshit me with anything. If you think I suck at everything in life, tell me.

So thank you if you actually wrote a comment. If not you are immediately taken off the "list", that is if you were any good enough to grace it in the first place.

Holler,
The Bard at the Ballpark

2004-05-02T20:03:00.000-05:00

A Girl

***NEWS FLASH::Brian Shears Punk'D again when dead bee placed on his computer::No serious trauma::In Fact, he wasnt even that scared, just shocked there was a dead bee on his computer::Also just in::Keith and Jeff Suck.***

Originally, I was going to write a blog on formal, and how it was and what i did, etc, etc...basically some boring ass shit nobody cares to read because they weren't there. Now instead I will write about what I actually have some emotion about. Which is a situation i find myself in due to formal. Only problem is, writing this will probably hurt me a lot more than it will help, due to the fact I will probably come off as creepy, or weird, or something. But I'm not writing this to be creepy, I'm just trying to use it as a way to get out what im feeling. So, I guess here goes, and if you find me creepy after reading this, I'm sorry.

How do you know when you fall for someone?
How do you know that it's real?
What if it's just something forced,
something pretend, or not sincere.

How do you tell her?
Without coming on too strong.
But needing to show that you like her,
That she's not just another girl.

I guess it's just one more fine line,
something we all must deal with.
But i dont want to ruin what this is,
whatever it is, that this may be.

And I knew when I laid there,
Just held both her hands.
I could see her through the darkness,
Not an inch from her face.
Her breathing was all I heard,
Her heartbeat all i felt.
And I just closed my eyes,
Lying right by her side,
With a certain satisfaction,
Of falling asleep in her arms.

2004-04-30T18:58:00.000-05:00

The SWAT

Busted ankles,
And 360 dunks.
All that shit,
is for the little punks.

True men know,
there is just one thing.
One thing alone,
that packs the most zing.

It's when a guy like Led steals,
Starts busting down the court.
Gets past most the team,
Made one dude's legs contort.

It's when he goes for the dunk,
Trying to be what he's not.
That's when I slap it against the glass
and yell out SWAT.

2004-04-30T01:16:00.000-05:00

Last Call

One last poem,
One last song.
To play at my funeral,
when all traces are gone.

To my good, great friends,
and the laughs that we had.
Melissa please don't cry,
I'm sorry I always made you sad.

To Hux, Dave, and Jeff
The guys, to whom I could always go.
Here's to catch in the hall,
The jokes about GI Joe.

To Mom, Dad, and Krista
The greatest family I could have asked for.
You raised me the best you could,
I never wanted anything more.

And while you look at my picture,
Just know on this day,
Don't be teary-eyed or sad,
This could not have happened any other way.

2004-04-28T15:43:00.000-05:00

Ledvina's Webpage

Did i just get served by what he wrote? I'm not really sure, it says it was motivated by what I wrote, but was I one of the people referenced in those SWATs dished out in that long ass paragraph? If so we can solve this with some 1-on-1 on the BBall courts after doing a handle race(with everclear). Either way, we're still gonna be runnin from the cops this summer, I'll just have to drive.

holla

2004-04-27T23:27:00.000-05:00

Here are my honest thoughts of people who affect my life...
just in case you didn't know how i felt bout ya

(in no particular order...)
Jeff: A best friend
Hux: Also a best friend
Rid aka Old Man: Another best friend/Funniest person I know/companion in bitching about shadiness of it all
Juan: A really nice guy but seems to have the potential to kill somebody
Led: One of the most awesome guys I know, I regret not chillin and gettin pulled over by the cops more with him in high school
Keith: Is probably one of the meanest people I have met, but I know he has a really good side to him that most people dont see, which gives me hope that the nice keith will someday prevail
Greg Dowell aka jesus: appreciate his brutal honesty in all subjects, because not too many people too that
Melissa: i dont understand how i can love her and dislike her so much at the same time, but i do
Lindsey: probably one of my best woman friends that i have, i can tell her anything cause i know she'll rip on me no matter what im going to say
Steph: will always have my heart no matter how much or how little i talk to her or see her or anything
Jill: I like her personality, because it seems she actually has some innocence in her, and that isnt around too much these days
Hannah: her always chipper attitude seems to brighten my day whenever i talk to her
Malone: I could probably talk for hours about baseball and the Cubs with him and that is always a good thing
Ganz/Gayler/Reid: Can always look to them to have some good laughs, and yes, i forgot about Reid when i originally made the list, but hey, when a man gets ya some capt morgan, you gotta put him on the list
Kimak: Another guy i can always talk Cubs or any ol' subject with, definately a good quality

I apologize if you're reading this and were left of the list, that means 1 of 2 things. Either I,
1)Really really dont like you
or
2)You dont do anything that has any impact on my life
EITHER WAY
if you are offended by this,
please chill out, drink a beer, and realize
it doesnt matter at all
its just my opinion and yall shouldnt curr if i dont curr ya hurr?

Holla

2004-04-23T02:07:00.000-05:00

Purpose

Wishing I had been caught,
I ponder a decision.
Am I the only one who sees
life this way?
As cruel, not unusual,
painful, mean, and corrupted.
As if everyone is being devoured
by the immorality of everyday life.
Taken in its grasp as a child,
torn, twisted, and turned
For the worse.
Innocence annihilated by the culture
That we have created.
It's not children shooting children,
But mankind's cruelty towards each other.
Our selfish degradation of
Every other living person.
We are not blind,
As we can easily see our own needs.
However, someone once said,
"That is the most selfish thing a person can do."
And the more I think,
The more I agree.
Since liberating oneself of the world's misery,
Is just an easy road out.
But, to stand up for my beliefs,
Now that is just the opposite.
Because instead of taking myself from
All this corruption, sin, and evil.
I will take what is immoral
Away from this world.

2004-04-19T10:24:00.000-05:00

Yo I got A D D tho...

After spending 2 and a half hours driving from good ol palatine back to Chambana last night, I came upon a realization: I have never REALLY studied in my life. Now, I have "studied" by going over stuff for about 20-30 minutes perhaps the day before the test if not the day of, but i have never really put in over an hour into one single test study session. All i ever did through high school and junior high was just "show up" and i would get by with fairly decent grades. That was all I needed to do. However, now that I have reached college, showing up(even though that sometimes doesnt happen) doesnt get the job done and I am getting my ass kicked by easy classes.

So let's say i actually try to sit down and study, here's what happens. For the first five or so minutes i can focus on what i am supposed to do, but then comes the big problem. Some stupid, off topic thought will creep into my head and ill just spend a minute or two thinking about that. Then something else will pop into my head and i start thinking about that. But, as i try to fight this and focus on studying, i dont get any real studying done because my mind is too busy fighting the thoughts about whatever stupid thing i was thinking about. it really is a vicious cycle and at some point im going to need to break that cycle. I assumed a D+ in chemistry and a 2.6 gpa would wake my ass up but it didnt.

So what do i do...take drugs? Ridalin? Adderall? Cocaine? I need something cause the grades arent gettin any better.
Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. The sad thing is i should be studying for a big math test but i'm sitting here writing this...

2004-04-15T13:33:00.000-05:00

I'm getting sloppy drunk tonight.

2004-04-14T23:44:00.000-05:00

First blog might as well start out with a story of my own humiliation. Ok, so I made the very, very bad mistake of actually trusting my friends on Scott 3 with holding my vodka for a couple weeks. So, a friend of mine swaps my vodka with water. I noticied it last week when I poured a flask of it and went to a party while i was thinking, "hey, this tastes like water," but i was too drunk to really care. The kicker was tonite when i offer a friend a birthday shot of this "vodka" and when i take it i think, "what the shit, this is water." And not to be a little bitch i go chew out the guy who was holding it for the last 2 weeks. I bitch at him, I yell at him, I point a vicious finger at him...all while my good friends watch and snicker to themselves. Then the culprit comes clean and says he took it as he watches my pissed off face walk down the hall. Where's Ashton Kutcher? I don't see him? But I should cause I just got PUNK'D. Yes I was furiously pissed off, and yes I meant every word of it, BUT i apologize to those yelled at and those who witnessed the escapade. I just wanted to stand up for myself for once but ended up getting played in the end. Oh whats up life, you giving me a chance to prove myself...?....SWAT. I just got swatted. Oh well, I'm going to take my naive, optimistic, the world is NOT corrupted views with me and continue on in my life.

Now let this be a lesson to all...you can screw me over, take my money, and kick me in the pants, but dont ever, and I mean EVER touch my vodka. Or there will be serious consequences.